Friday, August 03, 2007

Crappy Feet. - No Links, Just 100% Rant And A Few Spoilers.

I'm not in the habit of renting dvds, for the simple reason that it takes me forever to get around to watching them. Better to borrow off mates or just buy a copy, and a lot cheaper than the small fortune I've paid out over the years in late fees.

So I picked up an ex-rental copy of Happy Feet for the young Death Beast-in-training, as it's one she's seen and loves.

I hadn't seen it.

Now I wish I hadn't.

What a load of rancid old cobblers.

George Miller should have known better. Oh, wait, he gave us Babe, so I should have known better. I wish he'd stopped with Max.

Ok, Babe is an okay film, but it does have a slight vegetarian, anti-carnivore subtext.

This is not the case with Crappy Feet.

Talk about ham-handed, smacking you in the face agenda. Blind Freddy can see it coming a mile away!

Animals (Oops! I mean cute, cuddly penguins!) = Goooooood.
Man (And carnivores like orcas and leopard seals = Eeeeeevil.

And just in case we missed the signposts, americans are not good either, because the nasty emperor penguins that cast out our beloved (mutant) hero Mumble have American accents, while the good little penguins who befriend him have latino accents.

Can anyone say "La Raza! Viva Aztlan!"

So what is right with this movie? Apart from some excellent cgi, and a great soundtrack?

Editing, composition, all good technical stuff.

Good performances, and I was quite engaged until the politicking took over. Then I was most unimpressed.

A few notes:

Nicole Kidman, as much as I like her, is not a singer. I like her in Moulin Rouge, but her singing in this is just the same, and just where would we be without autotune?

Hugh Jackman can do much better with his own voice than as an Elvis wannabe, so please do not do that to him again.

Mumble, our mutant hero. Why on earth does he have blue, human-looking eyes? They make him look alien, and it's no wonder the other penquins thought there was something wrong with him apart from being tone deaf and a bit too quick on his feet.

First contact with the eeeeevil humans. First, we have a penguin-caused avalanche making a front-loader fall into the ocean, spilling oil and a dashboard hula dancer with it.

Then, when our (mutant) hero wends his weary way to the human settlement, we first see a delicate little church perched high on a mountaintop.

Above a refinery.

If that's not trying to tell me something, I don't know what is in this crapfest of a movie.

And finally, my favourite bit, when young Mumble gets sucked into the propellor of the ship. Unfortunately for my innate sense of The Way Things Work, he doesn't get minced into sealfood, but survives in one piece.

Apart from being unrealistic, it also made me break up laughing.

A classic book by a few of the Monty Python crew is called "Dr Fegg's Encyclopeadia of All World Knowledge" and contains a description of the Leaping Cow and Badger. I've since lost my copy of the book, but I always remember the Leaping Cow and Badger because "thousands of these happy creatures get sucked into jet engines" in the summer or the mating season or some such.

I wish Mumble was sucked into a jet engine, or the leopard seal got to eat him, or he got banished and then wandered in the wilderness for a season or two until he wasted away. Something a bit more realistic and less preachy works for me, and I most definitely do not appreciate this dreck being aimed at my daughter.

Of course, my laughing at the propellor bit did give her a bit of a surprise, so there's room to move in there.

My score? SFA. Don't waste your money unless you want to give your child conservation nightmares. It is a total load of pustulous dreck.

And in case you're wondering, I didn't like this animated movie very much.


At 3:16 PM, Blogger MK said...

Well, that's happy feet, scratched off the to-watch list.

At 3:25 PM, Blogger Nilk said...

Good, MK. Don't let your kids anywhere near it. They will love it, but you will be driven near mad by it.

It is an unmitigated crapulous pusfest.

Now do you want to know how I really feel about this shite?

At 10:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't hold back, tell us how you really feel!

I've managed to stay away from it thus far, and will continue the quarantine of the movie.

Thanks for your honest reveiw.


At 3:03 PM, Blogger TouchStone said...

My sister got that movie for my 5 y.o. son for his birthday.

I have to admit to rank cowardice in that I haven't screwed up the courage to watch it, though.

Haven't had to.
Got a cheap DVD player and put it in the spare bedroom (that used to be my "den"), where he can watch his beloved "Hellboy" for the umpteenth time....

After reading your review, I've decided to get my sister's kids some very LOUD toys for their birthdays....LOL


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