Sunday, June 24, 2007


Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2007 7:55 am Reply with quote
Following the 'Cornwall' incident, and the subsequent balanced enquiry and report, new ROE setting out protocols for the use of boarding parties have now been issued to the Fleet (the ships as well as the St).

These protocols have been put together following an extensive consultation exercise with not only the axis of evil, potted rogue states and global jihadists, but with the whole panoply of human rights organisations and home-grown dissidents.

The S of S for Defence stated ”These protocols ring in the dawn of a new age in dealing with asymmetric threat and are seen as a template for future strategic doctrinal development. They are an example of best practice and world class, and have already been adopted by the Easter Island Defence Force (R)

Rules For Naval Boarding Parties

1. No boarding party shall be assembled unless it comprises of a fully diverse, multi-faith, and multi-racial team, and must include as an absolute minimum, 1 x Muslim, 1 x lesbian, 1 x homosexual, 1 x disabled and 1 x transgendered person, with a diverse range of language skills including Farsi, Chinese, Indian, Filipino and Arabic (English is optional).

2. Each party shall be issued with a comprehensive suite of pre-recorded pro-jihadist, anti-Western programmes and leaflets, in a variety of formats including sound only versions for the visually impaired and Braille for the visually/aurally impaired. In addition each team must carry an audio loop. No member shall deploy unless he/she/it has received media ops trg.

3. No combat dress is to be worn as this can cause tensions when boarding. Jumpsuits, in non-threatening pastel shades shall be issued, with name badges prominently displayed both front and rear in Farsi and Arabic, with a raised font for those requiring Braille.

4. Badges of rank may be worn, however they are to be affixed with Velcro so they can easily be removed to give the impression that nobody is in charge, or swapped so the best person can take charge.

5. Before undertaking any boarding a sound risk assessment is first to be undertaken. AWACS will be deployed (taking care to ensure that it remains at a safe distance from any potential threat) to assess the risk. If there is the slightest indication that there is the slightest risk the operation is to be called off immediately and handed over to the Health & Safety Executive for action. In any event no boarding party must launch without signed authority from the S of S for Defence. If the ocean is the slightest bit choppy, or any of the team subject to sea-sickness, the boarding is to be immediately cancelled.

6. Boarding is to be carried out in a non-threatening non-judgemental way and care must be taken not to stereotype when conducting a sensitive search of the boat. Weapons, if they are deemed necessary, are to be unloaded and worn casually as if to give the impression that they are mere accessories, and not an essential tool to up the ante if required.

7. If, after boarding, there is the slightest hint of a raised voice the entire boarding party is to lay down its weapons and MOD F90, undress, and state:

“We, part of the evil Western Empire, are truly sorry that we have disturbed your gun running activity and would be grateful if you would transport us immediately to the nearest rogue state. You will be aware that under the Geneva Convention we are allowed to retain our Stonewall membership cards, our family (and by family we don’t just mean 2 +2, they come in all shapes and sizes) sized bag of dolly mixtures, and out iPod with downloadable Islamic chants and prayers, and would be grateful if you would respect this. In addition, permission to retain that nice propelling pencil that dear old Auntie Mavis gave me for Winterval last year would b appreciated.

8. Immediately, it is known that the boarding party has taken the sensible decision and surrendered, a General Naval Order is to be immediately issued ordering the entire fleet, including underwater assets, to make their way , at full speed, back to Portsmouth, where a vast array of counsellors will be waiting to provide the necessary support. They will remain there until the terms of surrender have been finalised between the Government of the Rogue State and the Media Operations Director of the BBC.

End of Revised Boarding Party Rules


At 1:24 AM, Anonymous TimH said...

Fucken' ace, Nilk, fucken' ace.
('Scuse my vernacular).

At 7:43 AM, Blogger Nilk said...

Thanks, TimH. I just copied and pasted from the British Army Rumour Service.

There's some good stuff there.

At 9:40 PM, Anonymous TimH said...

If you like that site, you may enjoy this one.

At 9:44 PM, Blogger Nilk said...

Yup. RumRation is a good site, too. I've only been there once or twice, but liked what I saw.

So many blogs, so little time.

At 2:48 PM, Blogger MK said...


At 10:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Just got this from an old ADF mate (names removed to protect the guilty)

Bloody funny.



Following latest Pommie shambles, new ROE are issued for all RAN vessels.

Should any Iranians be seen when conducting boarding ops, point guns at them while the authorised RAN Raghead Deterrent System (RANRDS)* is activated.
(*NOTE: With recent escalations thanks to the Pommies, RAN ships may now use stokers (with steamer experience) of up to CPO rank as RANRDS, this is no longer merely an AB’s secondary duty. When activated, various gesticulations and cordial invitations for the ragheads to fuck off will automatically occur. If the ragheads do not fuck off, the RANRDS use may be escalated by immediately fuelling the system with Bundy Rum (OP). The RANRDS will automatically increase raghead deterrence activities up to and including gestures and descriptions (WARNING: will normally melt the brains of ABC journalists within sighting distance) regarding the sexual proclivities of ragheads involving various livestock, the joy Ayatollahs take in porcine fellatio, and the dance of the flaming arseholes being performed atop the bridge of the vessel being inspected.)

If the ragheads STILL don’t fuck off, shoot them IMMEDIATELY before the RANRDS goes in to ‘last run ashore with the beanies at the Tropicana Bar in Singers while up top’ mode and buggers them all to death. This is now known as the ‘Paul Keating’ function and remains inadvisable in present circumstances. DSTO has a $3 Bn/450 PhD (whichever comes first) project to correct this design flaw, to be completed by 1965.
RANRDS deactivation protocols. These are to be followed in ALL circumstances. Under no circumstances is a fuelled and operating RANRDS to be brought back on board.
Stop RANRDS fuelling operations.
Apply meat pies’n’mushy peas and/or egg banjos to the RANRDS until deactivation occurs.
Deactivation is signalled by the commencement of the technicolour yawn function and deafening postern blasts (stand well clear of the latter, which may be lumpy).
Deactivation is completed when the words “Well, Knocker, it was a beanie so I told it to roll over an’ take it like a man. Shittay, didja see the norks on it?” are heard, followed by loud snoring and successive postern blasts (lumpiness warning remains in force).

At 2:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Paul Keating?????

Are we talking about the RAN sailor who attended Mk92 school in the USA in 1998-1999 for 222 days?

I was but a young U.S. Navy Sailor being thoroughly corrupted and schooled in the dark arts of binge drinking with the visiting RAN sailors in San Diego. It was my introduction to VB and vegamite.


-- Naguroo!!!!!!!!!


Post a Comment

<< Home