The TMI Files. (Pity) Pool Party.Well, the local swimming pool opened this weekend, so Magilla and I kitted up and rocked on down to get ourselves wet.
The weather was glorious and the water was inviting. What more could I ask for?
Well, there was that small part of me inside that still mourns some of the changes that motherhood has made. Not so much physical changes (I'll get to that later), as the changes in perception.
When the rugrat was only a few months old, I was driving to visit a friend, and a Kids in the Kitchen song came on the radio. I just cried and cried, because I felt to desolate. The song brought back all these memories of being 18, 19, 20.... and hitting the dancefloor. Yes, I used to dance all night (or until we got kicked out at closing). Yes, there were times when I definitely had too much to drink and paid for it bigtime. But I was having fun!
And here I was, 35 years old, driving around with a baby in the back and never going to dance again.
It sure felt like that. It was actually only a couple of months ago that I got the opportunity to go out and have a few drinks and dance to a really awful covers band in a Bogan Paradise.
It wasn't until Magilla was 9 months old that I got to go out and play pool one night. It was only for an hour or two, but it was a nice break. I've been to the cinemas a couple of times, but mainly it's all family and close friends because there is no large network I would entrust her to, and those that I would are usually overcommitted to other things anyway.
It all sounds much worse than it really is. :) She's the most adorable creature. I'm still getting plenty of cuddles and kisses (human as well as puppydog kisses lol) so I can't complain. Watching her develop is a joy to behold. (no, this is not me trying to convince myself).
But back to the pool.
I watched her in the shallow pool surrounded by other kids who were a few years older and ignoring her. Sometimes I was in with her, and others I sat on the edge watching.
Of course, I got a major attack of the guilts:
It's my fault she's a bit socially inept (she's not really, just not had the exposure to lots of unkown children, hence figures that everyone she meets is a friend and should be interested in her also).
It's my fault she's only got me to asociate with. (Well duh! Who else would she have? She gets to see other people more frequently these days than in the past, and now we're settling into somewhere with some peace of mind, we can get to know the neighbours properly. As for it being my fault, well that's stating the bleeding obvious, but there's nobody else for her to live with. Not while I'm still kicking, that is!)
You get my drift.
And while I was on this maudlin journey, working on my suntan - it's currently a melbourne tan of white on white - I got to thinking of the other changes in my life. Like how when I was going out and about I used to turn heads. I really miss that sometimes. It's nice to be considered physically attractive and seen as a woman as opposed to a mother. I've been told in the past to get over it, because it was my choice to become a mother and that's how people will see me forever more. I was insulted then, and am insulted now with that comment.
Physically, I've not changed appearance all that much. The hips are a little bit wider. Not by much, but I'll never get down to a size 8 again regardless of how skeletal I get. I'm around the size I was when I got pregnant, so I can't complain there. Up top, I'm still doing okay, too. Especially when I take into consideration 2 years of breastfeeding. I'm just not quite as firm as I once was lol.
I've always liked my grey hairs, so no problem there, and I'm not too haggard these days.
So why am I whining?
I sometimes miss the irresponsibility. The ability to come and go as I pleased and answering to nobody.
Did I feel like taking a couple of weeks and heading north? No problem. I had a nice disposable income and no ties. Just phone up the airlines, call the mates up north and tell them to get the couch ready. No fuss, no problems.
I miss seeing the desire in a man's eyes and knowing that I'd put it there.
Here I was at the pool, in a bikini, looking quite okay for a middle-aged mum (snicker) and there was nobody to look at me with lust.
That is so tragic.
Needless to say, I got over it, but it does rear its head every now and again. It's just one of the things we deal with when we become mums.
No longer a woman, we become mother first and everything else second.
Would I turn back the clock and do things over? No. Because then I wouldn't be where I am with Magilla. At least I did have a great time before settling into parenthood; there are plenty who can't claim that.