Monday, October 24, 2005

How not to pick up girls.

So here I was on the weekend at a 21st birthday party for two friends.

One of the girls is my best friend's daughter. The other is not, obviously.

The setting, a pub in the western suburbs - the nicer one in the suburb in question. Not that I notice things like that, of course.

So I'm yakking to the grandfather of the other girl. I've not met this fellow before, but he's got to be 70 if he's a day, and a great-grandfather to boot. It was an okay conversation, a bit of politics, social sciences, that sort of stuff. He does a bit of volunteer work in town, seems a bit harmless.

And then.....

He comes up to me a bit later on, I'm holding a glass of wine in each hand (only one was mine), and he mentions to me that he's got a bit of a vitamin deficiency.

/alarm bells

Apparently, said deficiency isn't your standard. I'm starting to feel caged, and suggest alcohol or chocolate deficiency.

/alarm bells louder.
/flashing lights

I'm getting really uncomfortable; we are in a well-lit hotel, surrounded by people aged from 90 down to about 3, so it's a g-rated environment, family and friends and plenty of decorum.

Not this fellow.

His vitamin deficiency can only be supplemented by the orgasmic juices of a young woman.

It takes a lot to leave me well and truly gobsmacked, but 2 days later I'm still reeling.

He did realise that I found his words highly offensive, and got very apologetic, but he wouldn't leave it alone. I'm a captive audience, because I'm not going to make a scene at an occasion like that. I wanted to, though.

I got the hell out of there as fast as I could. Having to work on sunday was a handy excuse, especially since it was true.

He kept coming over to me, grabbing me by the hand and giving me smarmy apologies.

/fingers down throat.

As soon as the cakes were cut, I was on the freeway heading for home and a shower.

I've definitely been living a sheltered life lately. I had forgotten there were sleazebags like that out there, but I have never had a come-on like that.

With luck I never will again. Bleh.


At 10:08 PM, Blogger Caz said...

I was on a plane from Perth to Melbourne once reading "How to be good" by Nick Hornby. Within five minutes of the flight the creepy old man sitting next to me said "I bet you don't know how to be good, eh" and did the whole nudge nudge wink wink thing. I nearly vomited my lungs up.

At 11:15 PM, Blogger Sandeano said...


Filmex was in the western suburbs on the weekend and he didn't even let me know? The bastard!

At 12:19 PM, Blogger J. Francis Lehman said...

Was looking back through my "About" posts, to see if I had any new comments, and noticed that you mentioned linking to me. So I poked my nose in here (I'm actually home sick, the only reason I have time for splendid foolishness like teh IntarWebb.) to check out who was linking to me. No link. P'rhaps I said something to offend you. Can't apologize if I did, but not surprised, either: I'm really damn good at offending all sorts of folks. If that were a marketable skill I'd have retired by now.

So anyway, I can tell you that lots of guys are as amazed as you are by the actions of thimble-skulled pervs like the one you've described here. I myself chalk it up to cranial content being outweighed by that of the trousers, which should not be construed to imply an absence of meagerness within said trousers.

But guess what? Said sleazebaggery gets the desired result more often than seems reasonable. And the favourably-responding are not always bereft of teeth. Actually, that is even more amazing than the thimble-skulled behaviour itself.

So, perhaps the messed-up wiring is not gender-exclusive. Or put another way, the stupidity gene is not on the Y chromosome...not that I'm thinking that you were implying that it was, mind you. Just sayin'.

Hey, it's a good thing I'm not on cold meds (other than homemade chicken soup and orange juice); this could be truly incoherent, instead of just mostly so.

At 8:57 PM, Blogger Nick and Nora Charles said...

And Jai is young and single!!!!!

-- Nora

At 10:05 PM, Blogger Nilk said...

LOL, Nora! Reckon he can come up with a better line than that one? Shouldn't be too hard.

As for Filmex, Deano, I didn't see a walking frame, and the old pervert didn't have an accent. He was really creepy, though.

I told my girlfriend about it, and she couldn't stop apologising. Silly, but I guess we get those moments of conscience when someone has a bad time at our places. As I pointed out to her, it wasn't her fault the old boy's a sleaze.

I've recovered my equilibrium at last, so that's a good thing.

At 9:24 AM, Blogger Jai Normosone said...

How did my name get into this?

One minute there is: "70yo sleazebag," and then: "Hey - there's Jai!!!"
Great - halfway to this old geezer who uses cruddy pickup lines and Nora says I'm there already! :)

I've never used pickup lines because I've heard other blokes using them and thought: "That WILL NOT sound any better if I were to say it." OK - I make a lot of comments to people about things but they're never pickup lines - that's just me being a smartarse! :)

"Vitamin deficiency"??
"Orgasmic juices of a young woman"??

These lines must have worked for this bloke in the past because it is so truly ridiculous for a grown man to use such tripe that the ends have obviously justified the means to him.

Nilknarf, Who should you feel sorry for? The old codger who uttered this crap or the women who have fallen for it?

Actually, what makes it worse is that this bloke automatically had NO respect for you as a person other than something to lay on while he was having a root, but he judged you to be dumb enough to fall for it - and that sucks!

Maybe that's why I never used pick-up lines? I can't stand women that are dumb enough to fall for them.

At 9:56 AM, Blogger Nilk said...

And here I thought Nora was pointing you out an an alternative to said old pervy :)

Unless, of course, you were in Melbourne in disguise.

At 7:57 PM, Blogger Jai Normosone said...

Well.... uh.... NO!

If you saw me about 18 months ago, this may have been the case - on a walking stick with a weak leg after my knee operation (which really sucked as I lost all the muscle mass on my left leg :(

An *alternative* to old pervy?? Well that's OK then.... :)

No dodgy pick-up lines though - I think they're too lame and I'm too straight-talking. Just expect some flowers and a compliment on how you look at the time before being asked out :)


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