Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Different deaths.

This is not about terrorism or anything else, so there is not need to stress on that score.

This is more me thinking aloud about the changes we make in our lives at times. Being metaphorical, like.

I can't abide game-playing. If you want to fuck with my mind, okay, but don't expect it to go the way you want it to. Play straight with me, and I'm more than happy to accept everything at face value with any depth implied. If it comes to a place of unhappiness and pain, then it's time to move on. (Omigod! Sounds like a good name for a lefty website. Moonbat alert! Oops, I digress)

Over the past few months I've been doing about the only visualisation I'm capable of, and turning my internal life around like a rubik's cube. It's amazing how many different perspectives you can find within yourself. I've reached the position where it doesn't matter what direction I look from, the pathway is always the same. It's time to close some doors and open new ones.

It's been very difficult to examine my flaws and acknowledge my errors. It's never easy to admit that not only have you been wrong about a few things, you've actually been blind as a fucking bat and should have been sconed with a lump of fourby years ago.

I don't expect any (possible) readers to get anything about this post, but that's cool.

I've also been thinking about my mum alot. She died 4 years ago next week, and for the first time since I was pregnant I visited her tree. She was an atheist, she got cremated, and half her ashes were spread up in NSW in the cemetary her father is buried in. The other half were placed with a memorial tree across the road from her beloved golf course. She was also an internet geek like you wouldn't believe, which is pretty cool.

So I took the rugrat to the tree. It's a gum tree, with a little plaque at the base, in a row with plenty of other gum trees with plaques. But this one is different. It's tall, and straight, and so healthy. It is larger than nearly all the other trees, and that makes me glad. Mum once told me that we were like trees. When you get cut down, when you die, that's it. No more, no less. She was comfortable with that, although my faith is a big bit different.

There are so many goodbyes in our lives. Some are the harsh physical reality of death, some are not so obvious on a first glance. Those less obvious are the more difficult to deal with, I find. Moving on from friendships or relationships that weren't what you thought. Leaving behind immaturity and trying to grow up into who you are, rather than who you want to be.

I'm finding that self-discovery and adulthood are not easy. They are a lifelong journey, and I've only been at it for almost 40 years.

It's not really as depressing as it sounds - adding to your sense of self can be a lot of fun.

Sometimes you just need someone to kick you up the bum and tell you to get over yourself, I guess, and that's what Mum used to do to me.

A lot. :)


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