The TMI Files. Guiltfree Parenting.
One thing that we all know is that kids come without a license, and without an instruction manual.
These days, we have all these images around us that tell us what we should be doing to be the Best Parents We Can Be.
Here are my thoughts on parenting. disclaimer. this is my opinion only, there are no studies to back up anything I say; it's my experience and how I see things.
1. You are your child's parent. You are not his or her friend - there is time enough for that when they are grown up and can support themselves and do for themselves.
2. You are not your child's entertainment system. You are there to provide for your child, and that means food, shelter, clothing, educational opportunities as well as fun. If you are trying to keep it fun all the time, you are doing both of you no favours. The real world is not nice, it is not easy, and it is not always fun.
3. Say "No." Say it loud, say it often. I get asked, Mum, why do you always say no? I reply, because near everyone else says yes to you. (They do, too. All she has to do is bat her eyes, and use her manners - she does have uncommonly good manners.)
3. Insist on manners. Manners, politeness, civility, work. If you just say please, a lot of doors are opened. This works for children as well as adults.
4. Be prepared to smack if necessary as a last resort. My girl has been smacked on the hand and on the bottom. She gets a warning so it's not a surprise; it's a consequence of poor behaviour that she takes on knowingly. "If you continue x
behaviour, you will get a smack."
Lots of people like to say that you can raise a child without resorting to corporal punishment. Yes, you can, but it's a hell of a lot more difficult, and when used sparingly
can lay the foundation for a more controlled (and I use that word loosely) child-rearing.
5. Give lots of hugs. We have a bedtime routine that sometimes includes reading, sometimes not. That depends on how late it is, and if The Procrastinator has dragged out bedtime. In our case, I lie down for a snuggle with her, and we swap kisses and hugs (8 of each, and the last hug a bearhug where she tries to strangle me).
6. Speak to your child not at your child or down to your child. Children are not imbeciles or incapable. They just don't have our adult faculties with language or nuance. For me, it gets difficult at times, since I like big words, but Magilla has an excellent vocabulary for her age, and uses it in context. Mostly.
7. Lay some ground rules for talking to each other. In our house, adults swear, but kids don't. That's because some words are rude and only grown ups can use them without getting into trouble. Because they're grownups. There is one exception, which is the term "shut up." Years ago, I heard someone explain that she felt that when you tell someone to shut up, you are telling them that what they have to say is not worth hearing. There are other ways of asking someone for quiet. So we don't say shut up to each other*.
I'm proud to say I've never told my girl to shut up. Since she could talk under wet cement, I'm very proud of that accomplishment.
8. It's okay to have times when you don't particularly like your child. You'd be amazed how many parents get jacked off by their offspring and then feel guilty about it. Why should you feel guilty?
This is why the bonding process is so important. Your child is a completely new person. They are not you. They have a different personality and all the quirks that go with it. Your best friend will piss you off at times, so why should you always adore your child? Remember that you are living in close confines with an autonomous being who sometimes seems to be thwarting your will every way you turn. This is normal.
9.Allow your child to deal with their emotions and accept them. This does not mean accommodating tantrums. If Magilla had a tantrum in the supermarket when she was really small, I would sometimes just walk off a small way and let her carry on. I would tell her that such behaviour is not acceptable and I will not tolerate it. So I didn't.
I am in charge, because I am the parent. When she is an adult like me then she can be in charge. It's that simple. She learned not to act out her anger physically, and she knows she can tell me anything. If she's upset with me, sad with me, angry with me, she tells me in no uncertain terms.
I acknowlege that, and we can talk about it and she learns from it. As I've explained to her, everybody gets angry, and that's okay. It's when you go around hitting people, or breaking things that it's not okay.
10. Tell your child you love them. This sounds like I'm stating the bleeding obvious (I am), but sometimes it's difficult to do. In my experience, in my family we didn't say "I love you" very often. I don't remember my parents saying it much at all. Perhaps my siblings remember it differently. It doesn't mean my parents didn't love me - they did and I always knew that. It just makes a difference hearing it from your parent.
11. Plan for the future. I'm not talking financially, or educationally, although they are important. I mean that everything you do now has an impact on your child as an adult. When I was a child of perhaps 6 or 7, my dad came home from somewhere. As he was in the army at the time, it was probably another exercise. I remember being so excited to see him, that I just had to give him a hug and a kiss. Of course, I didn't stop to consider that as he was embracing mum at the time, it might be a bit awkward. I just wrapped my arms around the closest part of him, and planted a huge kiss on his backside. He wasn't impressed at all; he was actually rather dismissive and told me to stop that and get away. As an adult, I can see where he's coming from and empathise, but I can also still feel the rejection I felt then.
Children will always learn that actions have consequences, and you need to always consider what the outcomes of their actions will be.
When I tried keeping a diary as a teenager, my mum found it, and got great amusement out of it at my expense. I never had a diary again, and I rarely confided in mum until I was in my 20s.
Magilla is confident enough in me that she can tell me who she's going to marry, and if someone picks on her at school. If she's making up stories for sympathy or attention, she rarely does so to me. She doesn't get sympathy unless it's deserved, but if she is in a situation that is troubling her, she knows I will deal with it.
And I do.
She told me when another, older, child was behaving inappropriately with her. I didn't go nuts (although I wanted to). I just asked her for a few more details and kept it calm and non-committal. I also told her I believed her. Since she rarely lies to me, and I do not tolerate untruths, this was very important for her to hear. She told me something that could have been seen as attention-seeking behaviour, and she's also been known to make up stories. For her to tell me, even though she'd been enjoined to not say anything, shows a confidence in me as her mother that is hard won. It has been years in the making, but children need solid foundations.
Even if the parents don't always get along, children need to be secure in their
Parenting isn't about buying stuff. That's fun, but not really necessary. It's not about going hither and yon, although that's fun, too. It's not about fun, actually.
It's about providing your child with the tools they need to deal with an adult world. They need the shelter of your example and support, so that they can learn and make mistakes in a safe place.
It's okay to get angry with your child - it's not okay to take your anger out on them. You don't allow your child to do that to you, so why do it to them?
It's okay to love your child to bits. Just not to the extent that you try and prevent them from taking risks and failing at things. That's life. Stuff like that happens.
It's okay not to feel like playing with them, or to want to do your own thing at times. You're still an autonomous person yourself.
Just remember that you are you, and your child is your child. You are the example they follow, and if you set a good one, then you should be okay.
*okay, the Godmother and I have occasionally told each other to shut up, but we've also been mates for years, and it's said in jest. Just not within hearing of small ears.
I'm a Roissy
fan and have been for yonks.
He's not everyone's cup of tea - especially if you've got XX chromosomes. He's got a lot of interesting things to say about Western women, and very little of it is complimentary. That can be a bit difficult to stomach at times, but he and his commenters are always worth a read.
It's challenging, entertaining and most defiantly un-PC.
Well, un-PC up to a point I found recently.
In one recent discussion, commenter Tood
had this to say:
This is why, despite the horrors of Islam, I want it to make some inroads into our society. Wusses like tokyojesuspissed would rather be a slave of feminism than have even a bit of Islam in the West, but I think a small does of Islam will do wonders. Feminists will expend a lot of their resources to condemn Islam (eventually, when it actually becomes enough of a threat to them), while Muslims will go an bomb the HQs of some feminists orgs and magazines.
A bit more Islam will do a world of good.[emphasis added]
Now be aware that this particular sentiment is not unusual on anti-women/feminist sites. Duncan
has had some remarkable comments along this line over the years.
The problem with Tood's idea, however, is that there is not really any such thing as a "bit" of islam. Muslims rather like the idea of more islam, much as I like the idea of more christianity. The difference being, of course, that as a christian I'm not going to get too upset if you say derogatory things about Jesus - I'm not into being overly judgemental where God is concerned because ultimately it's all in His hands. It's your choice if you believe or not, and I have no power over that.
It makes no sense to fuss on it.
Unfortunately, it doesn't quite work that way
with the grand majority of muslims.
Muslims also have a tendency to get somewhat physical if they perceive any sort of slight.
But I digress.... (just for something different, heh)...
Back to Roissy and the comments.
disagreed with Tood about a little bit of islam being good for society, and Tood seemed to have a bit
of difficulty with that concept:
“There is no such thing. Islam is a complete regulation of society from top to bottom.”
So are leftism and feminism.
If the hardcore Muslims decide that it is not the whole ‘West’ that is the problem but the feminist/gay extreme elements of the West that deserve to be violently attacked, that would be good.
Someone needs to go tell Islam exactly what to attack. Bombing a skyscraper or subway is to general.
This led to further discussion of a sort about islam in incredibly vague terms, which I would suggest reading in its entirety.
Other commenters did join in, and while one seemed to switched on to exactly what tokyojesusfist was saying, most others did not.
After a bit more of an exchange, Roissy stepped in
and declared that the discussion had gone on for long enough and was henceforth no longer valid for the thread.
While it's his blog and his rules, I find it very interesting that the subject of islam and its effects on society would not be on the list of things not to talk about.
For me, the impact of not being able to enjoy a drink, go see a band, hold hands with a loved one or just hang out with mates of either gender is something I would think important for men who want to go out and meet women. Women who may or may not sleep with them, who they may or may not want to become involved with.
Islam, and leftism and feminism have pretty much formed an alliance,
with the latter being tightly entwined
and the former parasitically using the advances made by them.
A bit of islam might seem like a good way to go because it can show western men how to keep their women in line, can show women how to be modest and moral, but it's built on false premises.
A religion that regulates your life to the extent that I, as a woman, shouldn't be allowed out on my own, have a standing in the eyes of the sharia court as being half that of a man, and advocates beating me on the fear of disobedience
isn't something I'd recommend.
SHAKIR: Men are the maintainers of women because Allah has made some of them to excel others and because they spend out of their property; the good women are therefore obedient, guarding the unseen as Allah has guarded; and (as to) those on whose part you fear desertion, admonish them, and leave them alone in the sleeping-places and beat them; then if they obey you, do not seek a way against them; surely Allah is High, Great.
A little bit of islam leads to a lot of islam, as can be seen pretty much anywhere in the world these days. Afghanistan.Australia.
Not a whole lot of difference.
I think I prefer this:crossposted at AWH
Another Bloody Scammer.
I get plenty of these, and usually delete them.
Today I didn't.
From: Mr.Candy Adams
Subject: GOOD NEWS AND COMPENSATION..
Received: Wednesday, 18 March, 2009, 7:46 AM
It is my pleasure to reach you after our unsuccessful attempt on our
business transaction, Well I just want to use this medium to thank
you very much for your earlier assistance to help me in receiving the
funds without any positive outcome.
I am obliged to inform you that I have succeeded in receiving the funds
with the help of a new partner from Bangladesh Mr Fakir Lalon Tagore,
Everything was perfectly done because we strike a deal with one of the
Lady Accountant who works with the Federal Ministry of Finance(F.M.F)
and she rendered a tremendous help to us My new partner initiated this
idea and everything worked out successfully. In appreciation of your earlier
assistance to me in receiving the funds I have left a Certified International
Bank Draft for you worth of USD$850,000,00(Eight Hundred And Fifty Thousand
United States Dollars)cashable anywhere in the world. This is from my own share
I did this simply to show appreciation to you for your kind support and
assistance even though we could not succeed due to some unforseen circumstances and reason.
Presently I am in Bangladesh for investment project with my own share under
the advice of my partner,Meanwhile I didn't forget your past efforts and attempts
to assist me in transferring this funds despite the fact that we could not succeed,
I will be sending you e-mail from time to time to know if you have received
your Bank Draft or not.
In the light of the above you are therefore to contact my lawyer Barrister David Muntari,
and do send him your contact address where you want the Bank Draft to be sent to you,
His E-mail address is:.
Please do let me know immediately you receive it so that we can share the
joy together after all the suffering at that time, In the moment I am very
busy here in Dhaka the capital city of Bangladesh because of the investment
projects which the new partner and I are having at hand.
So feel free to get in touch with him to send the Bank Draft to you without any delay.
With My Best Regards,
Dear Mr. Adams,
Is it not impermissible for you to be taking part in business transactions with kaffirs and infidel whores?
Right Wing Death Bogan Crusader Bitch.
Okay, perhaps I'm jumping to conclusions in my reply, but if I recall, Bangladesh has a majority of presbys, so who knows? I'll keep you posted if I get a response.
The TMI Files. Breakage And Enterage.
So my car sort of got broken into last night.
Well, it's the first time for this car, but I'd had cars broken into three times before this.
The first time, a rear window was smashed for entry, but apart from mess, that's about it.
I found $5.00 in it, about which my dad said that the thief probably took one look at my car and felt sorry for me so left the money.
The second time, the car had the front passenger lock jimmied and damaged, and all that was taken was my work jacket.
No problems with that, either, although a few weeks after that, there was a payroll theft at my place of work where a couple of hundred thousand dollars was stolen in a plot worthy of a prime time detective show.
You know the type: cameras in the air ducts to tape the combo on the safe, that sort of thing, entering through the roof, and maybe, just maybe, scoping the place out wearing a stolen jacket with the name of the company emblazoned in large letters across the back.
Third time? I'm rolling my eyes just thinking of the stupidity of this one.
Driver's side lock broken, nothing taken.
In this case, the morons didn't bother to pay much attention, even if this was in that den of crackheads, ferals, bogans and other assorted denizens known as Bogan Central.
The passenger door had been unlocked anyway, so there was no need to break into it.
In any case, I suspect the car did get taken joyriding a couple of times since petrol mysteriously disappeared.
It doesn't appear to have been used in the carrying out of any crimes, though, so that's a good thing.
The perpetrator on this one must have gotten their own wheels after a while, though.
And now last night's effort....
I stepped out of the house to go to work, and noticed a strange thing. The front passenger door was open. As was the glovebox.
I hadn't locked the doors, so no damage to the car. Needless to say, I found $10 in the ashtray, and none of the cds were taken.
So what do I think happened? The Godmother has been commissioned to make a ballgown and she is on the home stretch of that one, so she was up very early - like before sunrise - and had to let one of the moggies out.
I reckon she surprised someone in the act, and since the lights were now on, and someone was definitely home, the someone who was in the process of committing a crime ran off.
Well, that's my theory, anyway.
And how am I feeling about all of this? Unmoved and untouched by it.
These days, you sort of have to expect that you will get broken into at some stage in your life, and if it's only my car and not the house I'm not going to lose sleep over it.
I don't keep valuables in the car, and a steering lock should keep it in one place anyway.
It's just a bloody shame that there are so many people who don't think breaking and entering is any sort of big deal. It's just something to do, or a way to get your paws on something that doesn't belong to you.
Separated At Birth?
So, I'm watching 43 Minutes with their Greg Norman/Chris Evert lovematch,
and I notice something.
Eddie and Mike.
Which is which?